Kiss
Puke
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
