I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My bed is full of blood and feathers
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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