I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
