Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
