You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
