DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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