do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
