Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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