my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
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