I bet he comes in French.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
