Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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