when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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