New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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