We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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