Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
