does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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