My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
