Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
