I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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