Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
