You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
