my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
