I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
