Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
