For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
he just fucked me for my cheese..
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
