Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
