Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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