I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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