You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
