i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
