Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
