after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Sober January is a disaster.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
