please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
