Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
