He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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