you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
