Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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