just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
