If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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