In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
