Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
