if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
