If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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