I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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