booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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