a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
