I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
