Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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