Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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