I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
