I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
