this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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